Wednesday, December 31, 2008

NIGHTMARE

The cab ride back allowed me to see the city, something I failed to notice as I was on my long walk earlier that evening. I guess my mind was on my 'getting back in control' mode, and all I focused on was that, failing to see the lights, the streets, the entire city, as I was now experiencing. I finally got home, only to see the long stairway that let up to my apartment I had to climb. Just looking at it made me tired. I was exhausted from my long walk, and the tension and excitement from seeing Dan. When my climb was finally completed, I could barley see straight. All I could do was to get undressed and hit my bed as fast as I could.

I got back up to lock my door, something I don't usually do. As I walked back to my bedroom, I heard a noise, a voice, something that was strange. I continued to my room, and figured the noise was coming from the t.v. I left on before I left and still hadn't turned it off. I didn't want to get up again so I lay there, mesmerized on how wonderful it was to have sex with Dan, even if it was in his hospital bed. It excited me, thinking where it happened, and was hoping he was thinking of me, but knew he must be fast asleep by now.

Instead of sleeping, again my mind was racing with thoughts of Dan. So I hid my head under the covers and told myself to go to sleep. Then hours later, I woke up in a sweat, not knowing where I was. I had a dream about Dan, but it was a horrible dream, a nightmare, as I saw him screaming in pain, bleeding, with a distorted face. There was blood on the top of his head, and all I did in the dream was to ask him to leave. How horrible.







I needed to stop all this drama, it wasn't healthy, and I hadn't had any visitors in over three days, if not more. Dan still hadn't explained to me how or why he got attacked, and I didn't explain anything to him about myself. The dream scared me, and was in a terrible mood to say the least. I walked in the kitchen to get something to drink, then went to my living room and sat on my couch. I started to cry. Again, what the hell was happening to me? I wanted to hear secrets my visitors would tell me. I missed hearing them. They excited me, even as dreadful as most of them were. Strange huh? I was afraid to go back to sleep, afraid I would have this horrible nightmare again.




I needed the sleep, so I got myself up off my pity couch, and went back to bed. I didn't wake up until the morning, or should I say the early part of the afternoon. My first thought of the day was about Dan, but I was beginning to convince myself that this was ridiculous, a bad idea, and I needed to straighten myself out. Enough! I wanted to see him again, but wouldn't and if he wanted to talk to me, he could call me, and that was that.

Then someone knocked, and I simply opened the door and let him in. We hopped into our usual play, and then my visitor told me a secret that even I was a little taken back with. He said he had been up all night, and saw two men in a fight near a bar not too far away from here. He saw a police car pull up, and when they arrived, instead of the cops helping the man who was beaten, the cops started to beat him as well. It turned out that the man who was being beaten up had slept with one of the cops wife, who within a short amount of time, arrived on the scene as well. The first man who had been in the fight was drunk, but later it was learned that he was an off duty policeman who knew what this guy did, and wanted to defend his friend.

I was sick to hear about all this violence, and pictured Dan in the same situation, getting stabbed, and beaten, so I asked him to stop. He said the last part was the worst part yet, and I didn't know if I wanted him to continue. He finished his story anyway, with the cops wife being taken against her will, as she was driven out there to the scene. The 'cheated on' cop didn't stop shouting out at her, asking her, 'Is this the pig who fucked you, huh, is he? At first she was saying no, but finally gave in and said yes. My visitor assumed that if she told the truth he would let her get back in the car, but that wouldn't be her fate.

I missed hearing secrets, but this one got to me. I guess you need to be careful of what you wish for. The woman's husband, the cop, stripped all her clothes off in front of the other cops, and made her have sex with the beaten man. It was difficult but it actually happened, and even my visitor was left stunned. I asked him how he saw all this without getting caught and he said he had been up to a buddies apt. on the 4th floor that faced the back alley of the bar where it took place. I told him he was lucky they didn't look up, but then they were too busy beating the shit out of this guy, and then making a woman have sex with her bloody lover as well. What an evening! Maybe it beats my phantom evening, or even having a man in the middle of my apartment practically bleeding to death!

I thought about my life, and all that happened within just a few days. I called off any contact with Dan, at least on my part. I didn't know what I would do if he called me or tried to come back over. I then figured he would get better and go back to wherever he was from, have a good memory of doing him on his hospital bed which I'm sure the nurses would have something to talk about for a while, other then discussing sticking suppositories up someone ass.

Ok, ok, enough. My visitor left, making me promise not to tell anyone about what he had witnessed, and I told him he would be crazy if he thought I would repeat any of this. His secret was safe with me. I shouldn't have been shocked, but I was when I heard about the incident on the news later in the day. Just then the phone rang, and it was Dan.

My lights were dim in my living room, and it almost looked like it was nigh time, but it was only 3:00. He asked me how I was doing, but the question was, how was he doing? He said he felt better, especially since my visit with him from the night before, and asked me if I would come back to see him again. I told him no, that I was busy, and that I hoped his wounds would heal quickly. He took that as a goodbye, but told him that it wasn't what I was saying. I was just busy, and to call me tomorrow if he'd like. He almost pleaded with me to come see him again, assuming he wanted another romp in his bed, but told me that wasn't what he wanted. I told him maybe, and ended our phone conversation very pleasantly, with a phone kiss and a soft goodbye.

There, I was proud of myself, taking control and calling the shots. I did want to see him, but knew it was better not to. I needed to get out of my apartment, but not until I took a long hot shower. I didn't tell him about my nightmare, as that would have been a horrible thing to say to a wounded man layed up in a hospital bed.

I sat there, pondering over my decision, now regretting telling him I couldn't go, but then I could always change my mind. I didn't. For now, I just wanted to hear more secrets, dispite the last one that annoyed me more then anything. I don't know why it did, but it did. After all, I had heard worse, and now thought I was maybe one sick bitch.